you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
