Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
