Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
