you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
