So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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