i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
