My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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