eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
