I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
