the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
