I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
