I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
