She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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