I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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