my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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