dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
