I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
