Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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