Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
COCAINE IS GR8
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
