I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
