i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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