Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I love you. Go after that dick
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
