Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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