Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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