and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
