well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
