two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
