I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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