I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
