Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We need to get me chipped asap
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
