Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
