I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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