so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
