Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
