LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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