im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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