it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
