I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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