its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
