im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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