Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
