he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think people are normalizing furries
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
