she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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