Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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