i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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