On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
