Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
