I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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