I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
