Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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