I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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